Metal Gear Elric
by Flame of Corruption
Summary: What do you suppose Ed does as a military's dog? (Parody of MGS3: Snake Eater)


Author's Note: This is a convention cosplay skit that my team played on the stage – so please excuse the script format. I thought it wouldn't be so bad to put it on here since it kinda counts as a fanfiction. So here you go. Just in case you don't know, this is FMC parody on a popular tactical espionage game series - Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. And, yes, I DID put on a box and walked all over the stage. Anyway, enjoy. – Flame of Corruption

Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear series, Full Metal Alchemist, or anything that the readers might recognize as a copyrighted item.

Full Metal Alchemist: Metal Gear Elric

(BGM: Metal Gear Solid 3 theme)

People cannot gain anything without losing something. In order to gain something, one must present something of equal value. This is Alchemy's absolute rule of equal trade. Believing this, I became a national certified alchemist – to restore my brother Alphonse, and to restore myself. But… did I make a right career choice?

(Jungle. Bushes, trees, stones, and wild life are visible. Then there enters a cardboard box, with a huge 'ZOE' lettering on the side. It traverses through the jungle as stealthy as a box can manage, but since it can't see very well it repeatedly runs into a stone. After several times, it stops moving.)

Ed: (gets out of the cardboard box) Goddamn it!

(Ed crouches down and put his fingers behind his ears to initiate the codex call)

Ed: Colonel, I'm still alive.

Roy Mustang: (over the codex communication) Good. I expect no less from you. Now, proceed with the mission.

Ed: Why am I here, colonel?

Roy: Do you mean to tell me you have no idea? How sloppy of you, FullMetal.

Ed: (bitterly) You pushed me off a moving car… from a bridge.

Roy: Yeah, I shouldn't have opened that window, have I?

Ed: (enraged) Who are you suggesting he's a feather-weight pebble that rolls off a cliff at the lightest of wind!

Roy: No one. Don't glare at me like that. To make a long story short, you are in a rescue mission.

Ed: (deadpan) Huh?

Roy: Your objective is to rescue three high school students held hostages in enemy compound. The names are as following: Kamiyama Takashi, Mechazawa Shininchi, and Freddie. Break them out and escort them to the lavenderous point.

Ed: Hmph, since when the military cared for civilians?

Roy: FullMetal, they are members of ethnic community. Disregarding this matter will inevitably result in a conflict.

Ed: Can't have another Ishibal, is that it? So what was the kidnappers' demand?

Roy: Something we can't give. Now, this is a stealth mission. Not that anybody will, but don't let anyone see you. You will also notice that you have no weapon or rations. You are to obtain it on site.

Ed: I hope you die, colonel. So much for being a dog of military… Look, this isn't my job. This should be a job for the special ops!

Roy: (smirtk) Oh, you are special, FullMetal – just like everyone else. But don't worry. We equipped you with the latest technology in tactical espionage such as various kinds of animal suits, the infinite ammo bandana, and a cardboard box. And don't hug the box, FullMetal. (Ed: I'm not. / How the hell does he know//) Also, you will be supported over radio. Any question before we start?

Ed: Permission to abandon the mission?

Roy: Denied.

Ed: Fine… Let's just get this over with. (takes a deep breath then bury his face in his hands) Awww god, I hate my job.

(BGM: MGS3 theme – Snake Eater)

(Ed gets up and dons a bandana on his head.)

Ed: Commencing Operation… Bean Eater.

(Ed walks off a little, until he sees a rabbit.)

Ed: Hey, a bunny. (checks on himself) Well, I AM getting rather hungry…

(Ed walks over and reaches out for the rabbit. Then three people pops out of nowhere and ambushes him.)

Guard 1, 2, 3: FREEZE!

Guard 1: Drop that bunny and hands up in the air!

Ed: (slowly raises his hand) Who… are you?

Guard 2: We are Green Peace. You are arrested for violation of the international code on endangered species.

Ed: Endangered species? That's a bunny!

Guard 2: No, it's an Easter Bunny.

Ed: (jawdrop) You gotta be kidding me…

Guard 3: I'm sick and tired of you special ops people eating everything that move in jungle. Take him into custody, boys.

(After securing the prisoner, the guard takes out a cell phone)

Guard 3: It's me… Did you send the demand? What? How can they possibly reject a demand for clear air and stricter environmental laws? Who's running this country!

(Over the codex….)

Roy: FullMetal, are you are right? Elric? Elric !

Game Over-


End file.
